The first post of this story about processing

Its been quite awhile that i want to pick up my pen or say... to write a blog. I remember the first time that i wanted to write was few years ago when i was super distracted and blog is like a place for me to unload my negative energy. I want a change with my words, especially after my baptism and after receiving God's grace in many prospectives, including langauge, musical talents, compassion to people.

I start writing again. I couldn't garuntee i will not have negative energy in my blog, but the point is just like what Steffany Gretzinger said, " all the lives are the processes. We are finding the promiseland through the process but not the end of it"  and also one of my mentors has said " how do you want your life story to be?". Right on. If i am the audience of movie "The Life of Samson" (no Tiger Parker and long boat ride, i assume),  i expect to see all the laughters and tears and its about having a good fight in his life? or is it about acceptance of something, so called "fate and karma" in Chinese culture? 

i remember a friend of mine told me that if i am an accounting student. My career is ensured. 

However, this blog is created right in my season of searching and the season of relying on God's grace, in addition, my faith to him, after i don't feel there is a calling for me to be an accountant. 

Also, I come clean to everyone that i struggle with my sexuality and to be honest, i don't know how to deal with my love life after coming clean to my best friend that i had feeling to him.  i have hurt him to some extent and we both working on forgiveness and eliminating the awkward feeling... I have officially walked into the season of brokeness. Many days of tears, many moments of sadness. 

Every second, every minute and every heartbeat in this season, is all about a main question:

Jesus, what do you want me to do?

This blog is about finding the answer and sharing what i've got in the process. Maybe in the end, i will see the "so, he lives happily ever after" ending or "he fought til his last breathe"ending. 

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme ;therefore get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding.

                                        ~Proverbs 4:6-7       "

So, help me out God.