Transitioning

My internship is over. Yes, it is. No more 9-3 working hour. I am staying at home doing  nothing.

Except waiting.

I just sent my application to Ventris Capital Advisor for an administrative assistant position. A Canadian investment firm.

I had my interview on Monday and second-round interview on Wednesday. Today is Friday and yet, I am still waiting.

Recently, especially after applying this job, there has been a lot of doubt going on again. It's like..."why would those Canadians appreciate me..? An audit intern who worked for 6 months and he doesn't qualify 2 requirements that they ask for. It makes totally sense that they interview me and still don't want to hire me." Something like that. I don't know. My chance is very small but I still hope that i get the job because it is a Canadian firm. I have been longing for a foreign working environment for such a long time. Thinking of my potential co-workers who are from Alberta and Nova Scotia, I am very excited to go to work.

But, will this dream come true?

It's been 2 days already and there is no response. While I am doing nothing at the moment, a lot of prediction come up.

Maybe they are busy and they couldn't process with the minor things like hiring an admin...

Or they need time to think about it.

Or it could be worse...i said something wrong in the interview...which i hope i didn't.

It is a moment that i shout to God and ask him " God, you want me to take this job or not? because i'm going desperate"

Maybe you or God would say " You have such little faith" like in the book of Matthew. I would say YES, I have such little faith. Like...come on, God. You place many Canadians in my life and there should be a right reason for that,right? I need to work with them!

I don't know what to do

I am waiting.

Chapter 7: Spiritual Set Back

Hold onto me, my Lord.

 Recently I’ve been feeling attacked by the enemies again. Well, like the title… a spiritual set back. So what’s the problem?

 I guess I really want someone.

 The spiritual fire started by some memory with Stefan. The dreamy feeling to feel like dating tastes so sweet to me that I confused what friendship, brotherhood and romantic love are. Somehow I ask myself. What causes me to want Stefan? Maybe I enjoy his kindness and clever personality? If this is the case, why couldn’t I find the same personality in a girl? I don’t know how to answer that. I’m on the journey to figure out.

 This is a trigger of the attack.

Another thing is a debate by Matthew Vines, a gay Christian who argues that it’s OK to be Christian and gay at the same time. The debate drives me a bit nut.

Is it true to be gay and Christian? I DON’T KNOW. I’m super confused.

 Let’s take a look of what he said… two of his arguments…
 

1.      In the book of Genesis, God commends to assign a suitable partner and it’s not necessary to be female.

Matthew Vines argues that God took out a rib from Adam and shaped woman, Eve, as his partner and suggests that God didn’t enforce the partnership for a man to necessary to a woman. Vines suggests that God didn’t intend to use his creation to warn or command us to have to marry opposite sex and he said it was a interpretation of general world view. He also suggests that in Genesis 2:18, “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Vines suggests that even the homosexuals are not meant to be alone. They deserve someone. (My comment on this point: deserve someone… does it make it okay to date the same sex though? Also, this point triggered my ache that I am not able to marry a woman in my life and seeing people to move on with their marriage. I almost cried when he brought the situation up)

2.      Cultural difference caused translation problems in the story of Lot

In the story of Lot, people suggest that God hates homosexuality because they are one of the reasons why God burnt down the city. In Genesis 19, the wicked people asked for the angels in Lot’s house so that they can do the “wicked thing” with the angels and the “wicked thing”…they meant sex.

 Matthew Vines suggests that in the ancient context in the Middle-East culture, having sex with people who are the same sex means an insult or offense. They wanted to have sex with the angels not because they find the angels handsome or emotionally turned on to have sex with them. It’s rather that people want to insult them. Vines suggests that western bible experts and authority might make a mistake in translation as well as commentary/interpretation.

--

It was a very long debate video on Youtube. I suggest you to watch it, no matter you are struggling homosexuality like me or not. It’s a very intellectual to watch and think about. However, it’s also the reason to make me confused.

So, is it okay to find a guy and date him?

Right now, while I am not sure about anything, I would say I’d better say single. That can never go wrong, right?

Keep on waiting….

Chapter 6: His world? When The West Meets The East

“If you were of the world, the world would his own: but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.”
                                                                                                             ~John 15:19

  It was Easter few days ago and it was a great time to reflect who Jesus is and take another evaluation on my life. Some people might say that it is so cheesy to read the Easter chapters every year and, to invite someone to church.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus died and he is resurrected. What? Go to church. Dude! WTF?

Oh well. If you think Hong Kong has a strong sense of Christianity, you should look deeper in this place.
 
  Being an ambassador in two “undertakings”, both HKBU and our identities from Abba, I’ve been finding opportunities to preach the gospel and bring people to church.

 I can say this is like a challenge to hike on the highest mountain in the world. I’ve been feeling so impossible regardless how I press it on. I understand the intention to press on is enough and evangelism is not about trying but trusting God to change people’s heart but still, sometimes I find myself so desperate. I wish to see tons of people believe. I hope his kingdom comes as in the heaven in this eastern city. However, the more of my hopes on, the more of my doubt creeps in. It sounds quite ironic but it’s true.

   Down to a more realistic evaluation, I come to summarize the common reasons why Hong Kongers have hard time to believe in Jesus whenever I try and here are my insights. I’m not like pastors or evangelists. Evangelizing is something I try to do but it doesn’t mean I’m good at it (actually so not good at it) or expert…. Definitely, I’m no expert.

  First, Samson is not flexible enough to evangelize.

  Just face it. Being a reverse “weireboo” (someone loves eastern culture. Well, so I’m another way around). While I’m enjoying myself of being so comfortable to stay with North Americans, I’m learning to blend myself more like a Hong Konger rather than Canadian or American or whoever that I am not or whatever that giving me a false sense of identity. Just like what is said in the Book of Corinthians, if we want to evangelize, we should look like and be like those people. It’s another type of art to learn the phrases “to be like” or “to look like”. It’s because there are differences between “to be like” and “to be” (not the fact with “like” and without “like”, of course not what I mean). Personally, I have hard time to be more like Hong Konger. People have been telling me that they feel like they are talking to a “gweilo” (fun name for westerners, in case you don’t know) more than talking to a local Hong Konger, which makes my local friends, feel so uncomfortable. Do I earn the right to say “I can’t help it because that’s who I am”? I afraid I don’t and I’m not allowed to say so. Does it mean I have to reverse TO BE a Hong Konger and TO BE madly in love with HK pop or K-pop and snack on sushi every day? No exactly. See, that’s why it is an art. To take a precise balance between Hong Kong culture and western culture so that I am not changing myself in order to fit in and to introduce JC into the mist of both cultures that I’m with.

  Another process of learning, I guess.

 

  Second, the working environment is way too objective to talk about Jesus.

 

  As an audit intern, I’m not supposed to talk to coworkers about religions because it is against the norm in this place. I know God is so powerful and I’m not. People in CPA firms care numbers and short term enjoyment. I’ve been wondering of what I sang, a song by Rend Collective, “Build you kingdom here”. There’s a line of lyrics in the chorus is like that: “Change the atmosphere, build your kingdom here. We praise”.

 When have I lived this line of lyrics out even I’ve been singing it for so long?

 As I said, I’m no expert or evangelist. I don’t know how to spread God’s good news in a CPA firm.

 To be honest, my awesome American readers (I know you’ve been reading!!), I would be grateful if you’d like to jump into this discussion with me, because surprisingly, office culture is quite universal. No matter this is Hong Kong or the States, office culture is pretty much the same.

 

  You know, people avoid religion in the workplace for one word’s sake.

  Professionalism

  You talk about God? You’re out. You don’t work in a CPA firm and talk about God. For me, maybe I’m too free spirit to care rules sometimes. I just think it would be a small dish to talk about who they believe as long as nobody wants to hold a rocket launcher in this office and to say that they kill people in the name of God. (I’m just making illustration. Don’t shoot me if you are Muslim.) I’m quite open to talk about Buddhism or Taoism to people since I once wanted to be a Buddhist or Tao apprentice.

 No, it’s forbidden to talk about God in the office.

 So, Jesus, what should I do?

 Third, Hong Kongers view Christianity as a western belief.

 The religion origin matters. That’s what I can say. Christianity is founded from Middle East and to be colored and spread by the western countries. It’s not hard to understand people think that “it’s not their thing.” Besides, missionaries are mostly Christians who devote themselves into mission work are Americans, at least most of the missionaries that I come across. It’s not uncommon that Hong Kongers associate Jesus as western god. I would say the culture here is just quite self-protective. Hong Kongers are mostly, not usually, open to western world and the language barrier create a dynamic. I am not suggesting Hong Kongers should be westernized in order to open up for Christianity. I like people being westernized but it shouldn’t come from beliefs. I guess after all, belief is still attached deeply with culture. Hong Kongers just can’t escape from karma and reborn process (there’s a better word but I forget how to spell it) I don’t understand why they prefer karma and the reborn process and why they couldn’t take another possibility of the result of their afterlife.

 Another thing to observe and learn? I don’t know.

 I remember I was whining that why I am not in Canada right now and I’m back to Hong Kong instead. I know, legit reason, his work to be done in this city, but how can I fire a gun if I don’t even know how to load the gun and to pull the trigger?

  God, help me out here.

Chapter 5: searching the paths over dinner with Airam 20150327

Tonight is the first couching session with Airam after the introduction almost a month ago.

As i mentioned, i don't know what to do with my life. That's why i started the processing.

In the introduction, Airam and I explore different options as my career and tonight is about him guiding and asking questions to me.

They are mainly about:Good side and bad side of the options. How to achieve my overall vision which is traveling and finding my home.

So here are the options that i proposed: 1. Working in the airport/being a flight attendant.  2. Travel and to take up farm works 3. Doing a translation degree and being an auditor. 4. YWAM, to do a DTS and stay with YWAM.

To be honest, i couldn't tell all the pros and cons after a long afternoon because i have never tried any of those options,but after a dinner conversation woth Airam.

I can sum it up to few short sentences.
These elements, always..

1. Money
It's always about money, eh? Especially  the (2) and (4), it is so impossible to do them with $10, 000HKD for starter.  I have no way to start without paying out a big chunk of time to work in Hong Kong first.

2. People that i wll come across
  Not being racist or discriminating people from Hong Kong, it is all about me. I grew up in Hong Kong but in recently year, i feel so western in my heart that i have been having hard time to interract with the locals. I've been facing hardship while working in a 2nd T Hong Kong CPA firm just because i couldn't communicate well with my coworkers. I can see myself in a very bad place to work with the locals in the future. I need a job that i can work expats or say...westerners. That would be ideal. Just no locals...

3. Fit in my overall vision? Travel and finding my home?

Oh well, almost all 4 goals are for traveling and finding my home. (not so sure about 3) i make sure i can go somewhere and experience life there.It's not necessarily forever. I just want enough time to stay and see if i can call a place "home". This word has been very blur to me in recently year, especially after experiencing life in Vancouver,after meeting so many people from over 15 nations. 

after seeing myself doing well in the international circle...

The next step is that i will go online to search deeper and see if these 4 options are actually do-able. 

Let see what kind of open doors God opens for me...

Chapter 4: Ache under the neon lights

Have I ever mentioned i go to clubs sometimes?

I guess no.

I guess this is not most "Christian"thing i've ever done... I just love dancing around in a club simply because it's fun.

However, the most simple enjoyment can turn into such nightmare, to me.

As a guy ,who suffers from homosexuality and who didn't tell his new friend that his problem before heading a night club, can have a lot of pressure while dancing around.

There are two nights of experience that i can feel the ache after hanging out in the clubs. One is right after my exam. I joined the Pub Crawl. While my new German friend was getting moves on a girl. I couldn't do simply because i am sexually unable to. I don't know how to deal with that moment but having self pity and doubt to God. Its like...i just want to have fun and dance and why is there such complication?

Today, the same complication came up, again. This time i was with one of my local friends. He saw me dancing alone on the dance floor and he asked, "There is no girl and only guys are dancing...why did you dance there? Why don't you get a girl?" At that moment, my brain was kinda blown. My friend, how much i want to tell you that i am suffering some kind of defection and i couldn't do it? Do you know how badly i want someone? And yet, i could only say "oh, i just enjoy dancing alone. Unlike you, bud, always have intention! Haha!"

I'm yelling and sobbing inside my heart right now and i couldn't come up with any verses this time... Any of you can come up with good verses?

Another low valley throughtout the process.

Chapter 3: the office battle field

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~ Matthew 6:21"

  A life as an auditor means a battle.

  You fight a good fight with numbers. You don't sleep. Your brain runs smart and smoothly 24/7 as you are asked to be.

Starbucks, 5-hour energy, Monster or whatever can help you stay alert.

  I am speaking as a person who is working in this industry.

Well, I guess I'm just a pass-by.

The motivation to search my career path starts from my realization of losing my vision to be an auditor. People've been trying to convience me not to quit, not to give up. They are all saying, "after you go through this hardest time, your career will be brighter than now". Regardless what their say is not convincing to me, it is also because from what i saw in this industry, how unneccesary of all i have done, driving me away from this field of money and madness. Not saying i can't take up hard work. I could, but i lost my motivation after what i saw.

  What kind of darkness i have seen?

  I witness how many people are skipping procedures because of meeting the announcement date, which is three months. Three months, yes, to audit 3 listed companies and we have to make sure the golden statement is true.

"No material mistatement in this financial report"

  Really true? Really?

I'd like to speak to truth because Jesus asks us to. However, it seems like my dinner conversation with my co-workers ends what i wished.

Here's our conversation: (I translate it to English. It's originally in Cantonese)

"So, Sam. Why did you choose auditing?" A said.
 
I said, " Well, i think it's important to guard the numbers to be correct, right? I think i am speaking truth when I check and test the numbers"

B said, " If you want to speak truth, then you are in the wrong industry. Nobody can really tell the truth. Everything is just a show"

I was dissapointed.

Another conversation with my client alone during late evening. He was an auditor,not anymore now.

C said, " So now you tried to be an auditor, what do you think?"

I said, " It's hard work and i don't understand the point, the real point of what i'm doing. I dont understand why it is important even the university textbook told us it is important." (I am sure I remember the importance and reasons to perform auditing from the textbook. I may be not a straight-A student but i am sure i ve got the mainpoints.)

C said, " Me either. To be honest, everything that you are looking at could be false. The invoices, debit notes, contracts... If I am wealthy enough, everything could be created and i can present something false and lie to your face."

I was thinking, he is right.

Then, what's the point?

This client shared his experience to be an auditor. He described how he lost his girlfriend after spending months in China. He described how he lost his life and wasted all his years on the paperwork after being an auditor.

I totally understand, because I'm the one who's in the play, for now.

I have been trying to get a hold to my friends but i couldn't. I want to build the deeper and stronger friendships with them but i couldn't.

I say goodbyes to my family and friends from this office battle field.

All because of THIS JOB.

That leads to my next point.

The longer I stay in this undertaking, the more i lose sight of Jesus. Idolty goes crazy in my heart.

Where is the idols from?

  Material fulfillment. The longer you work as an auditor, the more you realize you won't have time to read bible and spend the quiet time with God, like literally. (Not me. Because i am still just an intern. PTL) Instead, you can be easily distracted to fulfill yourself with material. To focus on how much money you can earn after nights and nights of work overtime.(to be a Hong Konger...to have "OT"). To focus on good food that you all can get. Japanese, Korean, Western, German , French, American...you have all the good food because that is probably the only leisure time you can have. (Not saying i hate being a foodie and a food critic but i can do it back to the time when i'm a student,right?)

You think you're okay. You still focus on Jesus but no. You won't be focusing on him. After 8 hours of hard work and you get your dinner, the pleasure from eating you feel like that's the only pleasure because you could be dstracted by how many zeroes you saw in the past 8 hours.
Slowly, slowly, you know you put food and salary over God. It's also a progress, a process.

Speaking of process, I won't deny this job is a part of the crazy ride of my process.

   I understane process contains pain and experience. Well, this is it. I'm walking on the fire. I experienced and i learned a chunk of what Hong Kongers 've been doing. It is almost time for me to search my next step.

  I have faith that i have something i could do and not to feel guilty and pointless about it.

What about the positive part of this job?

  Relying on God's grace in all the wilderness i was in.

  To learn the art of being content.

  While I was stuck in China for 2.5 months, I was quite scared by the environment and my co-workers. Being a guy who loves the western world and who is a reverse "weirdboo", like my friend, Tyler, said. It was overwhelming to stay in China for such a long time because that place was making me seriously uncomfortable. It's difficult to live with people that you consider out of your culture and out of your understanding(still, i barely know them now) but i come to a process of learning to stand for Jesus alone. To learn his grace. To remember he's with me even i was suffering from miscommunication with my co-workers.

I need God's grace to heal my frustration...

I'm mot sure if I truly learn how to rely on God's grace alone, but i do learn keeping God as my forever traveler and comforter.

I was so alone in China but i think I learn how to pray outloud to ask for God like when i was 3 years old, i was screaming to mom for food. Kinda the same i guess.  Talking to him makes things felt better, at least i felt better when i was there. Everynight, before i fell into sleep, i was murmuring to him about my day,about my work. That was a time i really tell him everything, to tell him what is going on with me. I got closer to him.

  From the pause of this story, i conclude that keeping God IN my journey and doing the adventure With him can never go wrong and he is the one who i can always talk to, even in this office battle field right now.

"When the mountains fall, when tempst roars, you are with me" ~Glorious Ruins-Hillsong United

Chapter 2: Always Forever

"You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever"
     ~ Always forever, Phil Wickham

  As I mentioned, this story is not just about the process of finding my career calling. Its also about the process of finding my romantic relationship and the process of taking my relationship with God to the next level.
 
  It is funny, isn't?

  We all long for an existance called "relationship".

  Relationship with our parents
  Relationship with our siblings
  Relationship with our spouse
  Relationship with our children

  We all long for it,no matter in a deep or shallow extent.

  Somehow, we all miss out the ultimate one. You know the Christian chessy stuff will come up eventually, don't you?

Relationship with Jesus, God, our father

  Yeah, i know... It is getting old to hear Christian to throw the name of God on the table and talk about what we hear from sermons. "Yeah, God is so great, our father. He sends his only son, Jesus, to save us."  This is an unshakable hard fact to say "Jesus rescues and saves" like an epic. It is true. However,Jesus as a father, as my dad, means more than an epic.

As a guy who suffers from being homosexual, I am able to have a different sense to perceive and to understand who God is in an emotional way. I won't say i imagine God/Jesus as a part of my sinnful fantasy. (That's so GROSS of me if i do)

In fact, i am able to understand the tears of the "bride and bridegroom parable" in the bible. In the book, it is written,
"Jeremiah 16:9

For this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Before your eyes and in your days I will bring an end to the sounds of joy and gladness and to the voices of bride and bridegroom in this place."

  I am only a 20 year-old college student who comes from Hong Kong. Merriage may be not in the corner yet and not to mention with my circumstances, merriage...may be a bit far away. However, i have attended quite a few of weddings in my life and I gotta say i can sense the happiness when the bride and the bridegroom are announced merried and they kiss each other.
 
  I may not have this one of the best life moment due to my sexuality and my obedience to God. I do learn something from my brothers/sisters in-Christ's weddings.

I have learned the words from the Chritians' vows.

I used to think romantic relationships has an important element, which is sex. Without sex, no relationship formed. I'm not saying like...one night stand then boom! We are merried, no.  I'm saying that i thought a couple had to have sex to claim themselves as a couple because that is the element to differentiate friend and couple.

One of a godly couples' wedding has changed my point.

I don't know how many of you know Amanda Cook and Jacob Cook from Bethel Church in the United States. Amanda Cook is one of the godly women, worshippers and musicians I ever encountered (Well, I have never had the honor to meet her in person) I've found her wedding video from Youtube and the song from the background and their vows just literally make me sob.

Jacob said in his vow," i commit to you that i will never lose sight of my savior Jesus..."  and this is Amanda's vow "Jacob, i want to thank you for pursue God's heart in order to find me. You are worth to wait". The song is the background is the song lyrics i quoted at the beginning of this article. "Always forever" by Phil Wickham.

I suggest you to watch their wedding before you read further (https://youtu.be/Ag3SyZXtq4w)

Their wedding get me understand the meaning of finding my future wife and the art of waiting. Waiting means that i will not get upset even the ending probably is that i will stay single until i see Jesus, BUT, that's the point! The definition in my dictionary should not only be wedding on Earth with my wife. It is about waiting God and his communion with us. That is point of Amanda&Jacob's wedding vows, the meaning of the song and the verse.

The wedding with a spouse is an arrangement to have someone to walk with us in the process of searching God like the process that i am walking through. A partnership, from God, formed in order to find him, look for him harder.

Back to my circumstance, I don't understand why i am gay and i have no idea how to deal with my love life. My heart is ready to find someone but it is sinful to find a guy. I was wrecked because of this issue and i sometimes still cry very hard to yell to God about my desperation. However, i am on the journey to learn how to wait.

To wait, like i said.

Not just wait for 10 years, 20 years. I seek God and wait upon my love to show up in an eternity term.

I have no clue,but i wait.