Chapter 3: the office battle field

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~ Matthew 6:21"

  A life as an auditor means a battle.

  You fight a good fight with numbers. You don't sleep. Your brain runs smart and smoothly 24/7 as you are asked to be.

Starbucks, 5-hour energy, Monster or whatever can help you stay alert.

  I am speaking as a person who is working in this industry.

Well, I guess I'm just a pass-by.

The motivation to search my career path starts from my realization of losing my vision to be an auditor. People've been trying to convience me not to quit, not to give up. They are all saying, "after you go through this hardest time, your career will be brighter than now". Regardless what their say is not convincing to me, it is also because from what i saw in this industry, how unneccesary of all i have done, driving me away from this field of money and madness. Not saying i can't take up hard work. I could, but i lost my motivation after what i saw.

  What kind of darkness i have seen?

  I witness how many people are skipping procedures because of meeting the announcement date, which is three months. Three months, yes, to audit 3 listed companies and we have to make sure the golden statement is true.

"No material mistatement in this financial report"

  Really true? Really?

I'd like to speak to truth because Jesus asks us to. However, it seems like my dinner conversation with my co-workers ends what i wished.

Here's our conversation: (I translate it to English. It's originally in Cantonese)

"So, Sam. Why did you choose auditing?" A said.
 
I said, " Well, i think it's important to guard the numbers to be correct, right? I think i am speaking truth when I check and test the numbers"

B said, " If you want to speak truth, then you are in the wrong industry. Nobody can really tell the truth. Everything is just a show"

I was dissapointed.

Another conversation with my client alone during late evening. He was an auditor,not anymore now.

C said, " So now you tried to be an auditor, what do you think?"

I said, " It's hard work and i don't understand the point, the real point of what i'm doing. I dont understand why it is important even the university textbook told us it is important." (I am sure I remember the importance and reasons to perform auditing from the textbook. I may be not a straight-A student but i am sure i ve got the mainpoints.)

C said, " Me either. To be honest, everything that you are looking at could be false. The invoices, debit notes, contracts... If I am wealthy enough, everything could be created and i can present something false and lie to your face."

I was thinking, he is right.

Then, what's the point?

This client shared his experience to be an auditor. He described how he lost his girlfriend after spending months in China. He described how he lost his life and wasted all his years on the paperwork after being an auditor.

I totally understand, because I'm the one who's in the play, for now.

I have been trying to get a hold to my friends but i couldn't. I want to build the deeper and stronger friendships with them but i couldn't.

I say goodbyes to my family and friends from this office battle field.

All because of THIS JOB.

That leads to my next point.

The longer I stay in this undertaking, the more i lose sight of Jesus. Idolty goes crazy in my heart.

Where is the idols from?

  Material fulfillment. The longer you work as an auditor, the more you realize you won't have time to read bible and spend the quiet time with God, like literally. (Not me. Because i am still just an intern. PTL) Instead, you can be easily distracted to fulfill yourself with material. To focus on how much money you can earn after nights and nights of work overtime.(to be a Hong Konger...to have "OT"). To focus on good food that you all can get. Japanese, Korean, Western, German , French, American...you have all the good food because that is probably the only leisure time you can have. (Not saying i hate being a foodie and a food critic but i can do it back to the time when i'm a student,right?)

You think you're okay. You still focus on Jesus but no. You won't be focusing on him. After 8 hours of hard work and you get your dinner, the pleasure from eating you feel like that's the only pleasure because you could be dstracted by how many zeroes you saw in the past 8 hours.
Slowly, slowly, you know you put food and salary over God. It's also a progress, a process.

Speaking of process, I won't deny this job is a part of the crazy ride of my process.

   I understane process contains pain and experience. Well, this is it. I'm walking on the fire. I experienced and i learned a chunk of what Hong Kongers 've been doing. It is almost time for me to search my next step.

  I have faith that i have something i could do and not to feel guilty and pointless about it.

What about the positive part of this job?

  Relying on God's grace in all the wilderness i was in.

  To learn the art of being content.

  While I was stuck in China for 2.5 months, I was quite scared by the environment and my co-workers. Being a guy who loves the western world and who is a reverse "weirdboo", like my friend, Tyler, said. It was overwhelming to stay in China for such a long time because that place was making me seriously uncomfortable. It's difficult to live with people that you consider out of your culture and out of your understanding(still, i barely know them now) but i come to a process of learning to stand for Jesus alone. To learn his grace. To remember he's with me even i was suffering from miscommunication with my co-workers.

I need God's grace to heal my frustration...

I'm mot sure if I truly learn how to rely on God's grace alone, but i do learn keeping God as my forever traveler and comforter.

I was so alone in China but i think I learn how to pray outloud to ask for God like when i was 3 years old, i was screaming to mom for food. Kinda the same i guess.  Talking to him makes things felt better, at least i felt better when i was there. Everynight, before i fell into sleep, i was murmuring to him about my day,about my work. That was a time i really tell him everything, to tell him what is going on with me. I got closer to him.

  From the pause of this story, i conclude that keeping God IN my journey and doing the adventure With him can never go wrong and he is the one who i can always talk to, even in this office battle field right now.

"When the mountains fall, when tempst roars, you are with me" ~Glorious Ruins-Hillsong United

Sunday: Parables of Lost Sheep, Lost Coin and Lost Son

  " I once was lost, but now I'm found"
              -Amazing Grace(My chains are gone), Chris Tomlin

  **Afterthought of the Sunday Sermon. 22/3/2015**

  I guess this Sunday is another emotional trigger after listening to the sermon. 

  I always want to cry after being remind who we are to Christ and who Christ is. 

  Who are we? This is pretty clear to be laid out in the 3 linked parables in Luke 15. We are 1. the dump animal on Earth, sheep. 2. one of smallest things in the daily life, coins 3. the reckless person in a family: a disgrace son.
  Who Christ is? Very clear in Luke 15 as well. He is 1. the responsible shepherd 2. the woman who cares of her coins 3. the father who forgets and forgives the recklessness of his son.

  Looking back to my spiritual life, I have quite a few records of being that reckless son. I don't mind sharing some of my records on this blog.
  First bad record.  I disobeyed him to get drunk and acted crazy. What Pastor Dean said today is right. Sin is pleasurable. Indeed. Just face the fact. After glasses of wine, whiskey or whatever the alcohol it is. The feeling is super high up in the sky and I admit I don't want the feeling ends. God does not forbid us to drink alcohol. It is only harmful when I used it as a way to escape my reality and my identity. While I was struggling with dealing the fact that i have to live in Hong Kong before I finish my Bachelor degree and my identity as a Hong Kong Chinese, I sometimes drank to escape from the crazy ride God asks me to stay on. I admit I dislike the ride. But God is like, " Hey, I know it's crazy but remember, I'm coming to end the madness in your life?"
 I ignored the voice.

  Second bad record. Omegle. For those who don't know what Omegle is, it is a platform that allows user to meet strangers online. Yes, I met strangers online. Again, it was pleasurable. To meet up with strangers and say whatever over PG-13  to a stranger and flirt around was fun. Especially while I'm dealing with my sexuality struggle, I felt like it was an easy fix to deal with my desire to have a same-sex partner so that I don't need to hurt my best friend who discovered my issue after I came back from Canada to Hong Kong. I could feel God asked, " What's your emptiness about?"

 Again, I ignored THE voice.

 Another fact that Pastor Dean hits the "bingo" button. He is right.

 Sin is pleasurable BUT short. 

 What a real life experience.

 There are always repercussions after my sin. I am not suggesting Karma,like the " what goes around, comes around" thing. It's more like the absence of Holy Spirit and joy while I stick with God. Yeah, Joy. It doesn't necessarily mean being high or laugh like coming out from the asylum but being content with Jesus alone. The result of those two bad records didn't really end well emotionally. I didn't suffer physically... if hangover doesn't count. I didn't get robbed since I didn't meet up with any strangers from Omegle.  However, emotionally, i had suffered a lot. I cried a lot more than usual because the more i focused on forgetting where i am and who i am. The feeling of "getting stuck" actually haunted me more. I couldn't feel more empty than ever after meeting those strangers. I realize that i was trying to find someone to distract myself of my feeling toward my best friend, which is clearly not a solution. Those random people only makes me remember deeper how i hurt my best friend but not getting myself to start a relationship that God asks me not to.

 In the end, I still need to run back to God to take emotional refugee. 

 In that moment, I understand the parables from today sermon. Of how much I look like a kid and run back to daddy's arms (I hope it's not too creepy to say "daddy" since i'm a guy. Haha)

 The parable is very accurate, at least from what i have been through. I ran away from him and I don't desire his joy and all the grace he granted me, and yet, he took me in. 

 While I was worshiping this morning, the joy is back. The joy, that comes from the fact that I'm loved by him and i don't need another man to love me, is back. God is happy about how i am lost and how i run back to him. He is also happy about him, being a shepherd, didn't go in vain to find that one lost sheep. 

 I couldn't see him laughing but I take my faith to bet he is. 

 If you ask me..hey Sam, how to deal with your love life then? I would answer you that i don't know how. The only thing I know is that i take faith in him that he will fix me and my future wife is breathing and waiting. That's all i can answer.


 This is a process of my career. It's also a process about my love life.  

The first post of this story about processing

Its been quite awhile that i want to pick up my pen or say... to write a blog. I remember the first time that i wanted to write was few years ago when i was super distracted and blog is like a place for me to unload my negative energy. I want a change with my words, especially after my baptism and after receiving God's grace in many prospectives, including langauge, musical talents, compassion to people.

I start writing again. I couldn't garuntee i will not have negative energy in my blog, but the point is just like what Steffany Gretzinger said, " all the lives are the processes. We are finding the promiseland through the process but not the end of it"  and also one of my mentors has said " how do you want your life story to be?". Right on. If i am the audience of movie "The Life of Samson" (no Tiger Parker and long boat ride, i assume),  i expect to see all the laughters and tears and its about having a good fight in his life? or is it about acceptance of something, so called "fate and karma" in Chinese culture? 

i remember a friend of mine told me that if i am an accounting student. My career is ensured. 

However, this blog is created right in my season of searching and the season of relying on God's grace, in addition, my faith to him, after i don't feel there is a calling for me to be an accountant. 

Also, I come clean to everyone that i struggle with my sexuality and to be honest, i don't know how to deal with my love life after coming clean to my best friend that i had feeling to him.  i have hurt him to some extent and we both working on forgiveness and eliminating the awkward feeling... I have officially walked into the season of brokeness. Many days of tears, many moments of sadness. 

Every second, every minute and every heartbeat in this season, is all about a main question:

Jesus, what do you want me to do?

This blog is about finding the answer and sharing what i've got in the process. Maybe in the end, i will see the "so, he lives happily ever after" ending or "he fought til his last breathe"ending. 

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme ;therefore get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding.

                                        ~Proverbs 4:6-7       "

So, help me out God.