-Amazing Grace(My chains are gone), Chris Tomlin
**Afterthought of the Sunday Sermon. 22/3/2015**
I guess this Sunday is another emotional trigger after listening to the sermon.
I always want to cry after being remind who we are to Christ and who Christ is.
Who are we? This is pretty clear to be laid out in the 3 linked parables in Luke 15. We are 1. the dump animal on Earth, sheep. 2. one of smallest things in the daily life, coins 3. the reckless person in a family: a disgrace son.
Who Christ is? Very clear in Luke 15 as well. He is 1. the responsible shepherd 2. the woman who cares of her coins 3. the father who forgets and forgives the recklessness of his son.
Looking back to my spiritual life, I have quite a few records of being that reckless son. I don't mind sharing some of my records on this blog.
First bad record. I disobeyed him to get drunk and acted crazy. What Pastor Dean said today is right. Sin is pleasurable. Indeed. Just face the fact. After glasses of wine, whiskey or whatever the alcohol it is. The feeling is super high up in the sky and I admit I don't want the feeling ends. God does not forbid us to drink alcohol. It is only harmful when I used it as a way to escape my reality and my identity. While I was struggling with dealing the fact that i have to live in Hong Kong before I finish my Bachelor degree and my identity as a Hong Kong Chinese, I sometimes drank to escape from the crazy ride God asks me to stay on. I admit I dislike the ride. But God is like, " Hey, I know it's crazy but remember, I'm coming to end the madness in your life?"
I ignored the voice.
Second bad record. Omegle. For those who don't know what Omegle is, it is a platform that allows user to meet strangers online. Yes, I met strangers online. Again, it was pleasurable. To meet up with strangers and say whatever over PG-13 to a stranger and flirt around was fun. Especially while I'm dealing with my sexuality struggle, I felt like it was an easy fix to deal with my desire to have a same-sex partner so that I don't need to hurt my best friend who discovered my issue after I came back from Canada to Hong Kong. I could feel God asked, " What's your emptiness about?"
Again, I ignored THE voice.
Another fact that Pastor Dean hits the "bingo" button. He is right.
Sin is pleasurable BUT short.
What a real life experience.
There are always repercussions after my sin. I am not suggesting Karma,like the " what goes around, comes around" thing. It's more like the absence of Holy Spirit and joy while I stick with God. Yeah, Joy. It doesn't necessarily mean being high or laugh like coming out from the asylum but being content with Jesus alone. The result of those two bad records didn't really end well emotionally. I didn't suffer physically... if hangover doesn't count. I didn't get robbed since I didn't meet up with any strangers from Omegle. However, emotionally, i had suffered a lot. I cried a lot more than usual because the more i focused on forgetting where i am and who i am. The feeling of "getting stuck" actually haunted me more. I couldn't feel more empty than ever after meeting those strangers. I realize that i was trying to find someone to distract myself of my feeling toward my best friend, which is clearly not a solution. Those random people only makes me remember deeper how i hurt my best friend but not getting myself to start a relationship that God asks me not to.
In the end, I still need to run back to God to take emotional refugee.
In that moment, I understand the parables from today sermon. Of how much I look like a kid and run back to daddy's arms (I hope it's not too creepy to say "daddy" since i'm a guy. Haha)
The parable is very accurate, at least from what i have been through. I ran away from him and I don't desire his joy and all the grace he granted me, and yet, he took me in.
While I was worshiping this morning, the joy is back. The joy, that comes from the fact that I'm loved by him and i don't need another man to love me, is back. God is happy about how i am lost and how i run back to him. He is also happy about him, being a shepherd, didn't go in vain to find that one lost sheep.
I couldn't see him laughing but I take my faith to bet he is.
If you ask me..hey Sam, how to deal with your love life then? I would answer you that i don't know how. The only thing I know is that i take faith in him that he will fix me and my future wife is breathing and waiting. That's all i can answer.
This is a process of my career. It's also a process about my love life.
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