"You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever"
~ Always forever, Phil Wickham
As I mentioned, this story is not just about the process of finding my career calling. Its also about the process of finding my romantic relationship and the process of taking my relationship with God to the next level.
It is funny, isn't?
We all long for an existance called "relationship".
Relationship with our parents
Relationship with our siblings
Relationship with our spouse
Relationship with our children
We all long for it,no matter in a deep or shallow extent.
Somehow, we all miss out the ultimate one. You know the Christian chessy stuff will come up eventually, don't you?
Relationship with Jesus, God, our father
Yeah, i know... It is getting old to hear Christian to throw the name of God on the table and talk about what we hear from sermons. "Yeah, God is so great, our father. He sends his only son, Jesus, to save us." This is an unshakable hard fact to say "Jesus rescues and saves" like an epic. It is true. However,Jesus as a father, as my dad, means more than an epic.
As a guy who suffers from being homosexual, I am able to have a different sense to perceive and to understand who God is in an emotional way. I won't say i imagine God/Jesus as a part of my sinnful fantasy. (That's so GROSS of me if i do)
In fact, i am able to understand the tears of the "bride and bridegroom parable" in the bible. In the book, it is written,
"Jeremiah 16:9
For this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Before your eyes and in your days I will bring an end to the sounds of joy and gladness and to the voices of bride and bridegroom in this place."
I am only a 20 year-old college student who comes from Hong Kong. Merriage may be not in the corner yet and not to mention with my circumstances, merriage...may be a bit far away. However, i have attended quite a few of weddings in my life and I gotta say i can sense the happiness when the bride and the bridegroom are announced merried and they kiss each other.
I may not have this one of the best life moment due to my sexuality and my obedience to God. I do learn something from my brothers/sisters in-Christ's weddings.
I have learned the words from the Chritians' vows.
I used to think romantic relationships has an important element, which is sex. Without sex, no relationship formed. I'm not saying like...one night stand then boom! We are merried, no. I'm saying that i thought a couple had to have sex to claim themselves as a couple because that is the element to differentiate friend and couple.
One of a godly couples' wedding has changed my point.
I don't know how many of you know Amanda Cook and Jacob Cook from Bethel Church in the United States. Amanda Cook is one of the godly women, worshippers and musicians I ever encountered (Well, I have never had the honor to meet her in person) I've found her wedding video from Youtube and the song from the background and their vows just literally make me sob.
Jacob said in his vow," i commit to you that i will never lose sight of my savior Jesus..." and this is Amanda's vow "Jacob, i want to thank you for pursue God's heart in order to find me. You are worth to wait". The song is the background is the song lyrics i quoted at the beginning of this article. "Always forever" by Phil Wickham.
I suggest you to watch their wedding before you read further (https://youtu.be/Ag3SyZXtq4w)
Their wedding get me understand the meaning of finding my future wife and the art of waiting. Waiting means that i will not get upset even the ending probably is that i will stay single until i see Jesus, BUT, that's the point! The definition in my dictionary should not only be wedding on Earth with my wife. It is about waiting God and his communion with us. That is point of Amanda&Jacob's wedding vows, the meaning of the song and the verse.
The wedding with a spouse is an arrangement to have someone to walk with us in the process of searching God like the process that i am walking through. A partnership, from God, formed in order to find him, look for him harder.
Back to my circumstance, I don't understand why i am gay and i have no idea how to deal with my love life. My heart is ready to find someone but it is sinful to find a guy. I was wrecked because of this issue and i sometimes still cry very hard to yell to God about my desperation. However, i am on the journey to learn how to wait.
To wait, like i said.
Not just wait for 10 years, 20 years. I seek God and wait upon my love to show up in an eternity term.
I have no clue,but i wait.
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