Chapter 2: Always Forever

"You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever"
     ~ Always forever, Phil Wickham

  As I mentioned, this story is not just about the process of finding my career calling. Its also about the process of finding my romantic relationship and the process of taking my relationship with God to the next level.
 
  It is funny, isn't?

  We all long for an existance called "relationship".

  Relationship with our parents
  Relationship with our siblings
  Relationship with our spouse
  Relationship with our children

  We all long for it,no matter in a deep or shallow extent.

  Somehow, we all miss out the ultimate one. You know the Christian chessy stuff will come up eventually, don't you?

Relationship with Jesus, God, our father

  Yeah, i know... It is getting old to hear Christian to throw the name of God on the table and talk about what we hear from sermons. "Yeah, God is so great, our father. He sends his only son, Jesus, to save us."  This is an unshakable hard fact to say "Jesus rescues and saves" like an epic. It is true. However,Jesus as a father, as my dad, means more than an epic.

As a guy who suffers from being homosexual, I am able to have a different sense to perceive and to understand who God is in an emotional way. I won't say i imagine God/Jesus as a part of my sinnful fantasy. (That's so GROSS of me if i do)

In fact, i am able to understand the tears of the "bride and bridegroom parable" in the bible. In the book, it is written,
"Jeremiah 16:9

For this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Before your eyes and in your days I will bring an end to the sounds of joy and gladness and to the voices of bride and bridegroom in this place."

  I am only a 20 year-old college student who comes from Hong Kong. Merriage may be not in the corner yet and not to mention with my circumstances, merriage...may be a bit far away. However, i have attended quite a few of weddings in my life and I gotta say i can sense the happiness when the bride and the bridegroom are announced merried and they kiss each other.
 
  I may not have this one of the best life moment due to my sexuality and my obedience to God. I do learn something from my brothers/sisters in-Christ's weddings.

I have learned the words from the Chritians' vows.

I used to think romantic relationships has an important element, which is sex. Without sex, no relationship formed. I'm not saying like...one night stand then boom! We are merried, no.  I'm saying that i thought a couple had to have sex to claim themselves as a couple because that is the element to differentiate friend and couple.

One of a godly couples' wedding has changed my point.

I don't know how many of you know Amanda Cook and Jacob Cook from Bethel Church in the United States. Amanda Cook is one of the godly women, worshippers and musicians I ever encountered (Well, I have never had the honor to meet her in person) I've found her wedding video from Youtube and the song from the background and their vows just literally make me sob.

Jacob said in his vow," i commit to you that i will never lose sight of my savior Jesus..."  and this is Amanda's vow "Jacob, i want to thank you for pursue God's heart in order to find me. You are worth to wait". The song is the background is the song lyrics i quoted at the beginning of this article. "Always forever" by Phil Wickham.

I suggest you to watch their wedding before you read further (https://youtu.be/Ag3SyZXtq4w)

Their wedding get me understand the meaning of finding my future wife and the art of waiting. Waiting means that i will not get upset even the ending probably is that i will stay single until i see Jesus, BUT, that's the point! The definition in my dictionary should not only be wedding on Earth with my wife. It is about waiting God and his communion with us. That is point of Amanda&Jacob's wedding vows, the meaning of the song and the verse.

The wedding with a spouse is an arrangement to have someone to walk with us in the process of searching God like the process that i am walking through. A partnership, from God, formed in order to find him, look for him harder.

Back to my circumstance, I don't understand why i am gay and i have no idea how to deal with my love life. My heart is ready to find someone but it is sinful to find a guy. I was wrecked because of this issue and i sometimes still cry very hard to yell to God about my desperation. However, i am on the journey to learn how to wait.

To wait, like i said.

Not just wait for 10 years, 20 years. I seek God and wait upon my love to show up in an eternity term.

I have no clue,but i wait.

Sunday: Parables of Lost Sheep, Lost Coin and Lost Son

  " I once was lost, but now I'm found"
              -Amazing Grace(My chains are gone), Chris Tomlin

  **Afterthought of the Sunday Sermon. 22/3/2015**

  I guess this Sunday is another emotional trigger after listening to the sermon. 

  I always want to cry after being remind who we are to Christ and who Christ is. 

  Who are we? This is pretty clear to be laid out in the 3 linked parables in Luke 15. We are 1. the dump animal on Earth, sheep. 2. one of smallest things in the daily life, coins 3. the reckless person in a family: a disgrace son.
  Who Christ is? Very clear in Luke 15 as well. He is 1. the responsible shepherd 2. the woman who cares of her coins 3. the father who forgets and forgives the recklessness of his son.

  Looking back to my spiritual life, I have quite a few records of being that reckless son. I don't mind sharing some of my records on this blog.
  First bad record.  I disobeyed him to get drunk and acted crazy. What Pastor Dean said today is right. Sin is pleasurable. Indeed. Just face the fact. After glasses of wine, whiskey or whatever the alcohol it is. The feeling is super high up in the sky and I admit I don't want the feeling ends. God does not forbid us to drink alcohol. It is only harmful when I used it as a way to escape my reality and my identity. While I was struggling with dealing the fact that i have to live in Hong Kong before I finish my Bachelor degree and my identity as a Hong Kong Chinese, I sometimes drank to escape from the crazy ride God asks me to stay on. I admit I dislike the ride. But God is like, " Hey, I know it's crazy but remember, I'm coming to end the madness in your life?"
 I ignored the voice.

  Second bad record. Omegle. For those who don't know what Omegle is, it is a platform that allows user to meet strangers online. Yes, I met strangers online. Again, it was pleasurable. To meet up with strangers and say whatever over PG-13  to a stranger and flirt around was fun. Especially while I'm dealing with my sexuality struggle, I felt like it was an easy fix to deal with my desire to have a same-sex partner so that I don't need to hurt my best friend who discovered my issue after I came back from Canada to Hong Kong. I could feel God asked, " What's your emptiness about?"

 Again, I ignored THE voice.

 Another fact that Pastor Dean hits the "bingo" button. He is right.

 Sin is pleasurable BUT short. 

 What a real life experience.

 There are always repercussions after my sin. I am not suggesting Karma,like the " what goes around, comes around" thing. It's more like the absence of Holy Spirit and joy while I stick with God. Yeah, Joy. It doesn't necessarily mean being high or laugh like coming out from the asylum but being content with Jesus alone. The result of those two bad records didn't really end well emotionally. I didn't suffer physically... if hangover doesn't count. I didn't get robbed since I didn't meet up with any strangers from Omegle.  However, emotionally, i had suffered a lot. I cried a lot more than usual because the more i focused on forgetting where i am and who i am. The feeling of "getting stuck" actually haunted me more. I couldn't feel more empty than ever after meeting those strangers. I realize that i was trying to find someone to distract myself of my feeling toward my best friend, which is clearly not a solution. Those random people only makes me remember deeper how i hurt my best friend but not getting myself to start a relationship that God asks me not to.

 In the end, I still need to run back to God to take emotional refugee. 

 In that moment, I understand the parables from today sermon. Of how much I look like a kid and run back to daddy's arms (I hope it's not too creepy to say "daddy" since i'm a guy. Haha)

 The parable is very accurate, at least from what i have been through. I ran away from him and I don't desire his joy and all the grace he granted me, and yet, he took me in. 

 While I was worshiping this morning, the joy is back. The joy, that comes from the fact that I'm loved by him and i don't need another man to love me, is back. God is happy about how i am lost and how i run back to him. He is also happy about him, being a shepherd, didn't go in vain to find that one lost sheep. 

 I couldn't see him laughing but I take my faith to bet he is. 

 If you ask me..hey Sam, how to deal with your love life then? I would answer you that i don't know how. The only thing I know is that i take faith in him that he will fix me and my future wife is breathing and waiting. That's all i can answer.


 This is a process of my career. It's also a process about my love life.  

Chapter 1:Reason to against the currents

So, I guess I should lay out the reason why I started this story.

As a guy who grew up in Hong Kong, I'm used to what the society told me to. Get As in DSE exam and grab a bachelor degree with all of your energy. Yes, you heard me. GRAB a degree . This place is way too competitive that people are competiting for 15,000 degrees while there are way more students than the available degrees. Unfortunately, I am one of the bachelor degree chasers. I am not saying getting a degree is not important. It is quite important considering what the degree can offer you:analytical skill,advanced English, reasoning skill and the countless opportunities to interact with exchange students. (best point!) Being a college student is awesome but the Hong Kong  society has twisted it as some sorts of vocation training school. If I'm right, please correct me if I'm wrong, university exists for thinking outside of the box. Somehow, we are more in the box than ever. People define themselves by their major. The truth is that degree is just a degree  and it doesn't define who we are. This is the same case with our jobs. I read an very inspiring article from Relevant  Megazine and may I quote, " If our life purpose was restricted solely to our profession or role, it would end just there. It would be compartmentalized into a very small picture of the big picture of life and it would create extreme pressure to find the perfect job. And anything short of the perfect job could become a fertile ground for dissatisfaction or disappointment. But God’s purpose for our lives goes far beyond us."(http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/career-money/your-purpose-not-your-job#oBgKhByAyQzRYwfV.99)

I'm not suggesting that simply because of my unwillingness to be an accountant to induce what I am saying. It comes to my observations that people define themselves by their jobs after working as an audit intern in a CPA firm for 3 months (the 4th month is coming). If my co-workers will to look outside of the box, to realize that they don't be define who they are, they will not be in that firm for sure. I'm totally for people working as an auditor if they have the calling to work in that industry but the reality is just because they couldn't get pass themselves to make a difference. They are scared to write a different stories.

That's the art to against the current.

Job... I would say it is whatever God calls us to do. It doesn't necessarily mean it feels like "perfect job" . It takes effort to find it sometimes,like what I am doing right now. I think... If we are feeling being slaves as an auditor, there's no reason to force ourselves to do it simply because of self ccompulsion to work in that industry. To be a slave, especially standing as a Christian prospective.

Time to talk about my first step of my process

Recently I really like a song from Bethel Music called "No Long Slaves".

  I was stucked in China for 2.5 months to perform auditing work and I gotta say... I felt like a slave to work and  worry a lot. My faith got quite weak back then because I think about how to deal with my co-workers and getting things right. Believe it or not,the longer to stay in Hong Kong society, the easier you forget the purpose to work and who you are in Christ and to Christ, so this song is such a reminder and I'd  like share it with you before the end of this chapter.

Verse 1
你用旋律              來解脫我
You unravel me, with a melody
 以一支歌
You surround me 
 去擁抱我
with a song
施予拯救               逃離敵人
Of deliverance, from my enemies   
懼怕全然消失
Till all my  fears are  gone

Chorus       
我再不是     
I’m no longer
恐懼的奴
a slave to fear
而是神的孩子
I am a child of  God

Verse 2
從我母腹中                                    
From my Mothers womb  
你已選了我                              
You have chosen me
祢愛
Love has 
已喚我名
called my name
我被予 重生                          
I’ve been born again,
 生於 祢的家
 to your family
祢血  在我身流淌          
Your  blood flows  through my veins

Chorus       
我再不是     
I’m no longer
恐懼的奴
a slave to fear
而是神的孩子
I am a child of  God
 
   
Bridge
祢分隔 大洋
You split the sea,
讓我一路無阻
 so I could  walk right  through it
祢的愛 沉浸了所有畏懼
All my fears were  drowned in  perfect love 
 
我能高歌
You rescued me，
全因祢的救贖
so I could stand and sing 
成為祢的孩子
I  am a child  of God

This is a journey to remember my identity , in Christ.

" For they are my servants, whom I brought out of the land of Egypt; they shall not be sold as slaves"
~Leviticus 25:42

The first post of this story about processing

Its been quite awhile that i want to pick up my pen or say... to write a blog. I remember the first time that i wanted to write was few years ago when i was super distracted and blog is like a place for me to unload my negative energy. I want a change with my words, especially after my baptism and after receiving God's grace in many prospectives, including langauge, musical talents, compassion to people.

I start writing again. I couldn't garuntee i will not have negative energy in my blog, but the point is just like what Steffany Gretzinger said, " all the lives are the processes. We are finding the promiseland through the process but not the end of it"  and also one of my mentors has said " how do you want your life story to be?". Right on. If i am the audience of movie "The Life of Samson" (no Tiger Parker and long boat ride, i assume),  i expect to see all the laughters and tears and its about having a good fight in his life? or is it about acceptance of something, so called "fate and karma" in Chinese culture? 

i remember a friend of mine told me that if i am an accounting student. My career is ensured. 

However, this blog is created right in my season of searching and the season of relying on God's grace, in addition, my faith to him, after i don't feel there is a calling for me to be an accountant. 

Also, I come clean to everyone that i struggle with my sexuality and to be honest, i don't know how to deal with my love life after coming clean to my best friend that i had feeling to him.  i have hurt him to some extent and we both working on forgiveness and eliminating the awkward feeling... I have officially walked into the season of brokeness. Many days of tears, many moments of sadness. 

Every second, every minute and every heartbeat in this season, is all about a main question:

Jesus, what do you want me to do?

This blog is about finding the answer and sharing what i've got in the process. Maybe in the end, i will see the "so, he lives happily ever after" ending or "he fought til his last breathe"ending. 

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme ;therefore get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get understanding.

                                        ~Proverbs 4:6-7       "

So, help me out God.